Yellow

If you know me, you’d know that my favourite colour is yellow. The colour yellow represents sunshine, hope, happiness and to some it represents positivity, optimism or even joy; it is a happy colour after all.  But to me, the colors started to get mixed with my anxiety, it started to feel sad, because the color yellow remind me of you, when I see yellow, especially when I am feeling mellow, I start to wonder, you used to tell me that you loved to listen to my voice notes, do you still love that? do I still pop into your mind like you still pop in mine? do you still love that I gave you your nickname? or does happy love songs reminds you of me? and do I still give you strength? do I make you feel good at your worst times? and do you still love my honesty?

Once you told me, no,  you wrote to me on a yellow piece of paper that you loved it when I told you secrets, well these are my secrets. I do wonder am I still your everything? do you still feel my existence? and do I make you proud of me? do you still love my skinny neck? because I sure don’t.

Another thing you told me, again on a yellow paper; you said to me that you loved the fact that I never used your mistakes against you, sadly I did. you loved the fact that I trust you, unfortunately, I didn’t. you said that you loved the fact that I get jealous, but did you? did you really? you said that you loved the fact that I believed in you where after a while I stopped believing in you, in me, in us. you did say that you loved that I am always on your side, and I am on your side. on the same yellow paper, you said that you loved that I still loved you, and I do, forever and always.

If you are still wondering, yellow is no longer my favourite colour.

Things I believed as a child

I think we all have these strange beliefs as kids that we either came up with yourself or are lies that we were told either from other kids or ADULTS to make us behave or whatever. So without further ado here we go:

  • If I was laying down and someone walked over my and didn’t walk back, I won’t grow any taller.
  • If I managed to pop a mole (beauty mark) anywhere in my body, I’d turn into a monkey.
  • If I lied about fasting or cheated during the holy month of Ramadan, I’d get a nasty mole in the middle of my forehead on the first day of Eid.
  • You can’t watch cartoons at night because all the characters are asleep.
  • Sitting too close to the Tv, I’d go BLIND.
  • Carrots would make me far-sighted.
  • If I didn’t sleep and started to make a fuss, the two headed cow would come to me.
  • Swallowing the seeds of fruits, a tree would grow in my belly.
  • Swallowing gum would stay in my belly for 7 seven years.
  • If you left a shoe upside down, it’s like you’re being rude to God.
  • They used to have a little birdy that told them all my secrets, little did I know that it didn’t exist.
  • When we went out at night, THE MOON FOLLOWED ME.
  • I used to believe that any song with my name on, sang to me here are the top 2:
    1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLJA-srM_yM
    2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbZPnYK8fcw
  • Don’t put perfume on your hair because your hair would turn WHITE.
  • Don’t pluck a white hair, because if you did your whole hair would turn WHITE.
  • When teeth fell, I should bury it otherwise my new teeth won’t grow perfectly.
  • I used to believe that every continent was on a different planet.

And the biggest lie of them all, AFTER HIGHSCHOOL LIFE, GETS EASIER!! Sorry to break it up to you IT DOES NOT!!!!!!!!!

Please tell me the lies you were told as a child or beliefs that used to believe either in the comments below or mention them to me on Twitter.

Favorite books

Hi, my Name is Noor and I am addicted to books, I love books, in any type or shape, they bring me happiness and joy and trust me I am not exaggerating!!! I think I love my books a little way too much if you consider checking up on them every once in a while and making sure that my hands are clean before I touch them and my strict policy of NO FOOD OR DRINKS NEAR THEM but who can blame me? They are my “Precious”.

My love for books developed with my early love of stories, you see when I was 14, I used to go into internet forums to read the stories people write and I used to enjoy them a lot, that’s also around the time I started writing, well tried to if I am being honest here. Anyways, around the age of 15, I read the first book, I didn’t exactly purchase the book, but we were on a long bus ride and my mom bought a magazine and it had the book with it. It was the first book I ever read, it is called Vince and Joy by Lisa Jewell, I was a teenager with my first love story and I got so hooked, the book is still one of my favorite books I must have read it more than 10 times since then, I like rereading it which explains why my copy is in poor conditions. Since owning that book I started being a book hoarder, I get more books than I can possibly read since I occasionally reread books but then again I am so weak in front of the scent of a new book.

Here are few of my favorite books:

  • The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

I am so in love with this book, I can simply say that it changed the way I am and how I think. The moment I ended the book I felt that the world just went silent like I just wanted to pause and notice everything about this world and find the signs, I didn’t know what signs but I wanted to find them! Reading this books makes you evaluate your priorities and your life, I totally would recommend it to people.

 

  • The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

First thing first, this books is why I love letters hands down. Secondly, the reason I would recommend the book because how Charlie “the main character” is basically writing letters to this anonymous friend which makes the reader somehow feels that the letters are addressed to him/her which is a smart way to get the reader interested in the story. Another thing I love about this book is the mentions of other books and the tapes that Charlie makes which somehow makes us connect with him, I remember listening to the playlists while reading. I loved seeing his character develop and sort of finds its self. The good news here, if you’re not into book and reading, the movie is great also.

  • 40 rules of love by Elif Shafak

First thing you need to know about this book is that this is not the typical love story, not the boy meets girls type of love but it talks about the journey that Shams of Tabriz takes to find his what I’d like to call a soulmate because the type of friendship he had with Jalaluddin Rumi is greater than to be called friendship.

This book took me on a spiritual journey and made me question my beliefs, it was as if I started reading the book and my mind was like a thousand pages’ book and when I finished reading, it all went blank, as if I was reborn and was given a new chance a new beginning.

This story talks about the small things in life that are sometimes we neglect but somehow it gives it more depth, it talks about forgiveness, love, redemption, remorse, religion and other aspects.

  • Diamond Dust by Murad Ahmed

First of all, I got to say that this was my first Arabic book and I really hesitated to read it because it was written in the Egyptian dialect. However my hesitation was not at its place, the book turned out to be very good, it’s a crime thriller story that didn’t bore me not even for a second.

I connected politics with the social life in a way that was smooth and not complicated, the author used an easy language, so that you didn’t need to be aware of a certain vocabulary group to understand what is going on, also the deaths in the story were not ugly and not repeated exactly which made it exciting. The reason I’d recommend this book simply because I am so proud that an Arab author managed to write a story that is so cinematic, it’s Hollywood material.

  • Vince and Joy by Lisa Jewell

This was the first book I ever read but I already talked about my history with it in my introduction.

What I loved about this book, is the simple idea of soulmates and how even if you were separated from your soulmate, eventually you’ll find your way back to each other. I know it sounds cheesy but I can’t but love it, I loved it when I was 15 and now at 23, I am still in love with it.

 

These are few of the books that I love, let me know the books that you love and any book recommendations are always welcomed.

ذِكرى؟

في رحلة البحث عن ذاتي، صادفتك وانا إمرأةٌ لا أؤمن بالصدف، اشركتُكَ رحلتي وانا التي لا اثق بالبشر عادةً، عشِقتُك حتى الهِيام وانا على يقين بأن الحُب ما هو الا إسطورة ذُكِرت في قصص شهرزاد لشهريار.

الرابعه و الواحد والثلاثونَ صباحًا في الثامن والعشرون من حُزيران، وفي منتصف قصةٍ كنت تحكيها، لا اذكرها تمامًا انما اذكر ما حدث بعدها، تنهيدةٍ طويلة. بينما كنتُ أُفكر في قصتِك داهمتني بإعترافٍ استطيع ان اقول بأنهُ غيّر حياتي؛ أخبرتني بأنك تُحبني. حقيقةً لم أُصدقك و ضحكتُ شفقةً فأنت لا تعلم ما تقول. كُنت تعلمُ عني ما يكفي لِتكون على يقين بأني لستُ قابلة لأن أُحَب. رُغمَ اني كُنتُ أحبُك، ولازِلتُ أحبك ولا اعتقد بأنني استطيع ان اُحِبَ احدًا مثلما أحببتك، رغم ذلك، رفعت هاتفي وكتبتُ لك: تُصبحُ على خير. كم كنتُ جبانة، وتائة!

اتذكرُ كيف تجاهلتك يومان متتاليان، كيف كنت “مشغولةً طيلة الوقت؟” لم اعلم كيف اتعامل معك، فكيف لي ان اخبرك بأني هائمةً بِك وأنا التي اسمعتُكَ اسطوانات عدم ايماني بالحب، وخيباتٍ سابقه. حلفت لي بأنك مختلف، غباءًا مني، صدقتك.
سئمت كتابتك، وغزلك الفارغ، وغيرتك القاتلة. حبي لك لم يعنِ ملكيّتك لي، فأنا مُلكٌ لنفسي، لم اُخلق لأعيش تحت جناحِ رجل، خلقت لأُكمله وأسنده.

تصريحُك المخيف، جعلني اسافر عبر الزمان، تحديدًا الى الماضِ، الى ذات نهارٍ اشتمهُ بين الناس، واقدسُه في قلبي، اليوم الذي خُلق من كلمات الأغنيات، ليصبح سببًا لعشقي للفن والغِناء. ذاك اليوم حادثتني، رغم ان محور حديثنا كان يدور حول المسلسلات الكرتونيه وحُبنا لها، ورغم انني لا اعلم من تكون، وجدت نفسي اميل لك.

هذه الذكرى، لا اعلم هل هي سعيدة ام حزينة.
قصتنا لم تغدو سوى ماضٍ اتركهُ لنفسي، لا احبُ التحدث عنه، فهوّ مُلكي أنا و أخشى حديثي عنهُ مع الآخرين أنْ يُدنّسهٍ، فأنا يا عزي سهلة التأثر، لذا اصبحتَ ذكرى جميلة في دفتر ذكرياتي، لا انكر بأني اتناسى الاجزاء المؤلمة، لأبقي قصتنا طاهرة، كطهر حبي لك، لم اقل حُبنا لأني يا عزيزي بعد سنواتٍ من انتهاء قصتنا، اصبحت اشك في نواياك. اتعلم، لم اشعر بالإهانه قط مثلما شعرت بها معك، وكم اتمنى أن تعلم بما أشعر، ولكن لو عادَ بي الزمن إلى الوراء، لن أُغيّر بهِ شيء.

لم اتخيل ان يومًا كهذا سيأتي قريبًا، ولكن اريد ان اخبرك، بأنك كُنتَ على حق، لا اعلم ما كانت نواياك، ولكن كل ما حذرتني منه تحقق، لم اسمع لك، ولستُ نادمةً فقط اتمنى لو اني اخذت تحذيراتك على محمل الجِد، كنت سأتفادى عقباتٍ كثيرة في حياتي، لذا يجب عليّ ان اعتذر.

إني اسِفةً جدًا.
اتمنى لك حياةً سعيدة حيثُ كنت.

**

Dear -Future- me.. 

Dear future me, I can see you reading this and smiling, thinking of my younger self, the naive version of you, the determinant one and the one who is so content with its self. You have nothing but love for me. You seen me through it all, you saw me cry out of heart breaks and betrayals, you stood by me when I lost is all, when i was so disgusted with myself you held my hair while I emptied the life out of my system, when I felt lost you stayed with me to help me figure our the way back. You saw the pain and you helped me hide the scars.

You saw my journey, my lows and my highs. You’ve seen me become stronger and more wiser, I saw my change. I can feel you smiling remembering the lessons you’ve learned along the journey we’ve been through. I see in your eyes the flashbacks of what got me to write this today, and trust me I know that victory grin that is on you right now, you should be proud. 

I hope you reached your goal, to be genuinely happy. Please tell me you have read all the Harry Potter books and that your small library grew? 

So I hope that you’re doing well and got over your insecurities? did you start the thing we always planned you’ll do? If not what are you waiting for?

Future self, don’t let me be anything but a lesson, a reminder of how you reached rock bottom yet you found your way up, use me as the motivation to be a better version of us both. 

Please be happy.

I love you ❤️ 

Dear -Past- Me,,

Dear past me, 
Hi, I know that you’re unhappy, broken and lost but you will be better, life will be better. I promise that you find what you lost and you will mend those broken pieces, you will be strong, trust me, I saw that transformation and it was beautiful. 

To be totally honest, it won’t be all rainbows and sunshine, there will be rain, thunder and hurricanes but you’re strong enough to handle most of it, you will have a whole team of support system, friends that will love you and be there for you, they’ll feel like family more than you real family, some will fail you though and will teach you some pretty tough lessons in betrayal, manipulation and lies, you will feel used and disrespected but I promise you will move on. 

Stay true and love yourself, because love is you won’t be able to receive love if you’re busy hating yourself. Always remember, you’re stronger than they think!

With love,

Me

Fear – discovery!

I think we all have different things that scares us on different levels. Some are afraid of the dark while some gets terrified by clowns and so on. however, recently for some reason this has been something that won’t leave my head, I keep thinking about it all the time and it consuming me.

Everyone who knows me probably knows about my fear of needles but that more of a genetic type of condition I guess since it highly common in my family, anyhow the reason I started thinking about this I discovered that I fear drowning. Well I came to this conclusion because while I was taking my shower I noticed how I take bigger breaths and how I am so careful about berating, so I started remembering how I get anxious and nervous when I take a bath.  
Now I believe that it’s the reason I can’t actually swim although I tried to learn few months back, I couldn’t because the idea of drowning to death and imagining myself dying this way freaked me so much. Thinking about this took me back to a when I was young, me and my family we went to Salalah to this place where it had sort of waterfall, where I remember my mother wanted to put me on a rock that was in the middle of the water I cried that I didn’t want to and when she asked, she told me that I saw I was afraid the place would fill up with water and I’d drown. Another incident was when we went on a boat ride in the Nile and guess what did because I thought that the boat was going to break and we’d drown into the sea? I CRIED YES! Don’t judge me I was a bit of a drama queen then.
It’s weird discovering me fears when I am already 22 years old, right when I started believing that I am fearless, nevertheless I do enjoy learning new things about myself.